Last page of 365,

This year has had lots of ups and many downs. It has been a year of many trials, to test how far I can take myself. 

Although I can't ever really say "2014 has been the best year yet!" But I'm so thankful for this year and all that I've learnt from it. 

I've learnt patience really is a virtue, something's cannot be rushed no matter how hard you try. And it's better to just let it go, then try again. 

I've learnt how much I can actually love someone, so much more than myself. Another soul, I found to care for and to love with my broken heart that was glued back to its pieces. 

I've learnt that everyone makes mistakes, it takes courage and strength to forgive and to also forget. Two people in this year, had made me question my capabilities and to test how much strength I actually need to get myself through. 

Although I'll never know why, it is me you've chose to do this to. I can only say I can understand the reason behind "fighting for what you love." All I ask for is to care for what you fight for and know what you're fighting for. Everyone deserves to love, to choose who they can love or want to love. I'll understand, even if it takes all of me to. 

And the most important thing I've learn from this year is that selfless sacrifices will always be worth it, to the people you love. I cannot promise you it wouldn't hurt, but I can promise you it'll always be worth the sacrifice. 

So before this year comes to an end, I want to thank all the love ones I've had with me throughout this 2014, be it my ups and downs, smiles and frowns. I'll be forever thankful. 

To those I've only met this year, it's not a very long time, but we've forged a friendship I'd never thought I would have. Knowing you guys, is a blessing. So thank you, for backing me up, sticking by and cheering me on when I needed it most. 

Lastly, to the love of my heart, my life and my soul. Thank you, for the understanding you've given me, for all the patience you've had for me because I know how hard it can be. &for the love I never thought I'd deserve, I will always keep you in the brightest side of my memories. You've changed my life, for the better and I've learnt so much from it. 

So to 2015, come what may. 

I only wish for the happiness to be abundance for the people I love. X

Thank you 2014. 

For you,

"Here are the things I want for you : 

I want you to be happy, I want someone else to know the warmth of your smile, to feel the way I did when I was in your presence. 

I want you to know how happy you once made me. I don't know if what we had was love, but if it wasn't I'd never want to fall in love. Because of you, I know I'm too fragile to bear it. 

I hope you'll always remember my lips beneath your finger and how you told me things that you've never told another soul. 

Finally, I'm sorry for pushing you away, when I only meant to pull you closer. And if it ever felt like home to you, it was because you were safe with me. I want you to know that most of all."

Thank you for all those years, I couldn't have asked for someone better to be with&spend it with. 

I will always keep them in heart. X

Be safe, wherever you are. 

"There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you love something greater than yourself. A tender sacrifice. Like the pained silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid; or the bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina. It is in every considered step I am taking in the opposite direction of you."

2nd day of Christmas,

To know what it feels like to be so blessed this Christmas. 

Also, happy birthday to the best mom in the whole world. I love you mommy, I hope you enjoyed the celebration today. 

Have yourself a merry little christmas,

Christmas Day had just passed, just so much love. 

Spent the day over at the cousins place for our usual Christmas dinner, talked about our younger days and laughed about how much we've grown but still do all the same stupid things. 

Best part is home made christmas meal, too much yum to my tum. 

I love my family, they are the blessings of my life. The love we share for one another never fails and I'm forever grateful. 

Merry Christmas sweethearts. X

Can never be more thankful and appreciative for this Christmas. 

Merry Christmas beautiful people. X

"I want to make you smile, whenever you're sad. 

Carry you around, when your arthritis is bad. 

All I want to do, is grow old with you. 

I'll get your medicine, when your tummy aches. 

Build you a fire, if our furnace breaks. 

I could be the one to grow old with you. 

I'll miss you, kiss you. Give you my coat when you are cold. 

Need you, feed you. Even let you hold the remote control. 

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. 

It could be so nice, growing old with you. 

I wanna grow old, with you."

Thank you, for everything. 

How many times do you have to fuck up to learn Rachael. How many fucking times?

Would you save my soul, tonight?

Friday, today was a long day. I did something I never thought I would've ever done.

Some say getting over your own fear might be the hardest to do, I guess it really depends on how much you want to do it? Sometimes getting over your own fear might make you stronger than you actually think you are.

It has been two weeks, every now and then I still find myself dwelling in the same thoughts and fears I never thought I'd have, again. I can feel it in every inch of my bones and the very living of my soul. My heart crackles a little everytime my mind brings up the thoughts I wished I never had. The quietest nights has gotten me thinking, if it really would be better if it wasn't for me.

Yes I would've done everything with you, and anything that makes you happy just to see the smile on your face. Despite everything, I choose to believe I could still be better for you. But not when the nights get quiet and cold.

You deserve every inch of happiness in this world, and to see you smile, nothing could ever measure up to that. I've never known the true meaning of loving someone until I met you, loving is selfless, and its worth it.
Even if it breaks me to give you the happiness you deserve, I would.

I love you, and nothing has changed.



"Would you dance, if I asked you to dance?
Would you run, and never look back? 
Would you cry, if you saw me crying? 
Would you save my soul tonight.

Would you tremble, if i touched your lips?
Would you laugh, oh please tell me this
Would you die, for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms tonight.

Would you swear, that you'll always be mine
or would you lie
Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep, have I lost my mind?
I don't care you're here tonight."


I'd always remember,
You can be, my hero.


Thank you for the amazing day. X

I've learnt that forgiveness comes with forgetting, when you forget something, you let it pass, therefore letting it go. 

Nothing warms my heart more than you telling me, you want us to grow old together. Cheesy as it sounds, I feel so blessed. No doubt we've had tough times, we disagree so often we might be better off alone. But I'm so glad we'd always make the decision to fight for one another despite how hard it might get. 

I'm not easy to be with, but all I can say is I'm thankful you never gave up on me, like how everyone else would. If they stayed long enough to learn what I really am. 

It's hard to find someone who'll love you and stay by you. Fight for you, because they need you in their lives. 

They say loving someone selflessly is unfair to yourself, but you know what? It's worth it, it'll always be. 

No better end to my Monday, for that I am thankful. 

"I’ll laugh at every joke you tell, even if it means I’d be the only one laughing with you. I’ll smile every time our eyes meet because these butterflies just won’t seem to leave. I’ll spend my Sundays with you, watching you jump in excitement as your favorite team scores. I’ll help you make dinner and feed it to you as long as you promise to help me clean afterwards. And if you want me there with you, I’ll watch every action/superhero movie with you as long as you’re willing to watch one chick flick with me. I’ll also have beer (or wine) with you while you talk about your day’s work. And when you’re sick, I’ll try my best to make you feel better with all the cuddling and sweet loving I can give. 

As your girlfriend, I’ll give you your space. I’ll ask you how your day went—not out of routine, but out of curiosity, because I want to know which parts of your day made you smile and made you frown. As your girlfriend, I’ll make silly, annoying faces while you play video games just to see if you’ll notice (would that also make you move out of the same position you’ve been in for the past 3 hours?) I’ll also peel your Cuties for you while you complain about how small they are compared to oranges. I’ll surprise you on random occasions, and spoil you with sweet kisses and long hugs daily. As your girlfriend, I promise to be loyal. Because at the end of the day, you’re the only one I want. I’ll be the one you can share your hopes, your dreams, and your fears. I’ll be your walking diary. I’ll be real, and I’ll promise to tell you how it is because you deserve nothing less. I’ll do my best to consider your thoughts and your feelings, and though I may not be able to fill in your size 12 shoes, I’ll try my damn hardest to walk in them first before I make my judgments. As your girlfriend, I’ll yell, and I’ll cry. My insecurities and jealousy will eventually surface regardless of how hard I try to hide them. There’ll be times when I won’t make sense. And when I’m worried or confused, I’ll ask questions—lots of them. Sometimes, they’ll be long and stupid, so I’ll need you to be patient with me. I’ll give you long silences when I’m upset, and I’ll keep to myself when I’m not ready to talk to you. I’ll also make you mad—but since I won’t be able to read your mind, I’ll need you to tell me. And while we argue, I’ll work hard to consider your feelings and be fair.

As your girlfriend, I’ll treat you how I would want to be treated. I want to be all the good things to you, and though I know this can’t always be true, I’ll try my best to not be so bad. I can’t promise you I’ll be perfect, but as your girlfriend, I’ll do all I can to be the best one you’ve ever had.

Only because you make me want to be." 

It's so hard you know, finding someone you can really say you love selflessly. 

How do you deal with something that haunts you and eats you from the insides of your soul?

"Maybe some things just aren’t meant to happen. No matter how badly you’ve wanted it; no matter how much you prayed, wished, hoped, and tried. Maybe you just have to find a way to run and hide and escape. Maybe you leave the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s alone and forget about closure. Maybe the feelings will eventually just go away. Maybe you learn to live with this: We weren’t meant to be otherwise we would have been; and if it was ever in our hands, let us not make the same mistakes again. Especially if by some miracle, fate would ever have the audacity to give you and them another chance. But careful now, maybe that’s just you, hoping against hope once again; not quite willing to believe that maybe it wasn’t meant to be."

The weekends are almost over, yet again.

This has been the longest, most thought-filled week since months ago. So much has happened, so much has been done. After it all, I really want to be so fuckin thankful for everything and everyone in my life. You only, really live just this once. How your life ends up, is really up to you. Love hard, forgive just as much and live free.

I had so much to think about the past one week, I can't say its been easy going. Life is really tough, you live with expectations, the more you expect the more you get disappointed. We have to accept what is, and what has been. Be understanding, misunderstandings are the worst to have. I've live through it all. I wouldn't say my life has been just as tough, but I understand there are sufferings in this world meant to make us stronger and for that I'm thankful.

Tonight, I want to end my entry saying, thank you. Thank you for making me realise how much I really love you, and how much I miss spending all my time with you. How cuddling in the rainy weather never felt any warmer, hugs never felt just as heart warming. My weekends have been blessed, for that I'm utterly thankful.

Thankful for as always, how you'd brave the rain with me. I'm unsure how many more thunderstorms there will be, but I'll be brave as long as I'm with you.

I love you. But is that enough? 

Nothing ever stays the same, nothing quite like love.

To love is to let go. 

I've probably heard this a thousand and one times. But sometimes, it's just so hard. Knowing what's right and the best for something or someone. 

Many times I've come across a situation when making the wrong decision is harder than making the right one. How do we determine what's the better option?

Lately my mind has been flooded with thoughts. Just too much thoughts. 

Seeing the person you love in so much pain really kills you. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, your smile is the best thing to wake up to and everything else in my day. 

I only promise never to hurt you and be ever so thankful I found you. 

But sometimes I can't help but think you deserve so much more, so much more than just me. 

I am nothing pretty, nothing sexy, nothing in fact. Many times I just wished I was enough. The best I could ever be for you because you deserve someone that could be their best for you. 

All I want is to see you happy, because when you're not, it kills me.